Caregiver Notes: I'm Still Learning

"A wise woman is always learning. She is open to change. She is ready to hear. She pursues knowledge. Debi Pearl"



I've been Mom's caregiver - for what little she needs me for - over a period of five years since I had to move in with her to keep her safe.  It seems like so little time considering I'm fifty years old and Mom is 84 but that little bit of time could have been twenty years instead of five considering all I've learned while being so close to Mom.


Remember how when you were in your early twenties and thought you knew everything?  Thought you were the best at whatever you could do?  Thought anyone who had an idea different than yours was misinformed or just plain dumb?  Well, I've finally outgrown that age, it only took another thirty years of life and five years of being here for my mother.

1. I don't know everything and other people can do what I do better than I.  (That's the most prominent and most important thing I've learned.)
2. Mom loves me even when she is critical of me or says something snippy that hurts me deeply.  
3. The way Mom grew up, the things she went through as a child made her what she is today - her character defects are not to be taken personally.
4. I don't have to be just like Mom to be worthy of her love.
5. I don't have to be perfect nor should I expect anyone else to be perfect.
6. My favorite affirmation has become:  "I am an imperfect and worthy Child of God".
7. What other people think of me is none of my business.  I don't have to wonder about it or dwell on it.
8. It's impossible to please everyone.  So stop.  (I made my mother my number one concern and am letting everyone else take care of themselves.)
9. I am much happier when I don't try to please everyone.  When I am happier, my entire household is happier.  (such power!  ha ha)
10. No one can take advantage of me unless I let them.  I am gradually getting stronger and have gained an ability to stand up for myself a bit without coming off as a total bitch.
11. I love my kids more than I ever thought I could.  Along with that increased love coupled with their adulthood independence comes worry - worry like no other.  Fear that someone will hurt them while they're out there being adults in the big world.  It's not a fear that I had when they were children and under my wings.  This is a very scary fear.
12. I came to an understanding of my mother's tendency to be over protective of me all my life through the worry I have for my own kids today.  It's incredible how long and how firmly attached a mother's umbilical cord is whether or not a mother gave live birth to her children or, as in my mother's case, she adopted her children.  The "umbilical cord" remains the same and  very strong.
13. I have a lot of gratitude for all my parents gave me all my life - especially their love - where I pretty much took everything for granted most of my life.  I didn't realize how blessed I truly was until I met a lot of people who are very bad off in these times.  Some of these people have never experienced things like camping, exploring tide pools at the ocean, living in a home knowing that home will be there for them when they need to go back to it, and so on.   There's so much I could go on for days.
14. I love my mother just the way she is.  Due to the understanding of her past and how it molded her into the woman she is today, I gained the ability to accept her and not take personally the things she says that usually hurt me deeply.  She doesn't know any different, had no therapy or training and doesn't take mood altering medications.  She's never smoked, drank alcohol, or illicit drugs.  She has made it through the huge trials and tribulations of her life with no help whatsoever except one major thing... Prayer.  

Prayer is Mom's answer to everything.  A few years ago I asked her how she did it?  Did what? she said.
I asked her how she got through all the years with us four adopted kids after Dad died.  He was only 45 when he died of injuries sustained while firefighting.  That was in 1971 when my big brother was 13, I was 11, my sister was 8 and my little brother was only 5.  We were already a bunch of trouble for her but when we hit the teenage years of life we were more than trouble.  She helped us the best she could, got us through life thus far, endured a lot of pain and worry and suffering while trying to straighten us kids who were severely traumatized by Dad's death.  She put her personal life on hold for us.  She devoted herself to us kids even more than she did when she first adopted us.  She could have done for herself more but she chose to do everything for us kids that she thought would make our lives happy and let us know how much she loved us.

Just losing Dad sent me off into the land of mental disorders.  Dysfunctional became our family motto and Mom was the one true main stay - stability - "NORMAL" - calm, responsible, straight as an arrow icon in our lives.  We could count on her to be there for us - everyday of the year.  She never staggered off the path of being the best Mom she could be.

So, back to my question to Mom.  Her answer to how she did it was Prayer.  She said without prayer she would have "poofed" and she tossed her fingers into the air as if she did poof, and that was all she said.

Please pray for my mother.  I want God to make sure she is happy and comfortable as she so deserves to be.  It hurts me to see her degenerating but I know it could be a lot worse for her so I do know my prayers are being answered.  There aren't many people left in this world like my mother.  She's one in a million.  She's a great example of the kind of woman God would want any little girl to be.  I don't think she's done a thing wrong since I've known and loved her.  She's always been a perfect example to us kids.  (so why am I not more like her???)


Does it mean you didn't learn something if you don't practice what you've learned?

Thanks Mom and Dad for choosing me.