Do you experience a lot of daily stress? It's kind of weird that one person's high stress day is a normal day to someone else. Each person handles stress differently. What is debilitating for me could be a walk in the park for you.
At this time in my life I am under a great deal of stress and any little, normal teeny weeny stress that comes along is something that could be the straw that broke the camel's back. I feel as though I'm on the verge of checking in to our local psych unit for an extended stay.
I guess I'm just venting here, I have no real qualifications to give you an accurate and responsible account of what stress does to a person's body and mind. I do have the experience to share with you and sometimes that is more valuable than a degree. No one can truly understand what it is like unless they have experienced stress that is so overwhelming a person simply shuts down completely.
Sometimes when I talk to someone about what is causing my anxiety, my schizoaffective symptoms, and my body aches and pains, I can hear myself talking and at the same time I find me telling myself "That's ridiculous, it's not that bad, you're just whining about everything, get a grip!" It's not that easy though because if I could I would.
I barely get by as it is, looking after my mother and trying to take care of myself (which is more difficult than caring for my mother!) . Stress makes my symptoms worse and right now I am able to do next to nothing. I'm supposed to be the caregiver here and I am at a point that I need someone to take care of me. The guilt I have from being so needy is compounding my stress and making my symptoms worse. I tell myself, "You should be able to do this! You made promises to everyone that you would do this for your mother! You are letting everybody down!" The voices I hear are worse than that, telling me horrible things, making me feel even worse. Gloom and doom. In the Pit and seeing no way out. I know there's a "way out" but I just can't see it right now. It seems like everything is getting worse with no hope of getting better in sight.
I try to tell myself the same thing I would tell one of my kids who was having troubles like this. "Things DO get better, I promise you that! There IS a light at the end of the tunnel even though you can't see it right now. These feelings are not permanent, these feelings will pass - maybe today, maybe tomorrow, maybe a week from now but they will pass". Now I just have to believe, have faith, trust in someone and God that I am not alone and I am loved no matter what.
It ain't easy but it's do-able. I think.
BTW - This book, Feeling Good by Dr David Burns, is one of the best self-help, informative books on emotional and mental disorders that I've come across in twenty five years of scouring book stores for something to relieve my symptoms.
Also, "Happiness Is A Choice" is another wonderful book, see link below...
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Snapdragon Washcloth Free Pattern
Materials
4 ply worsted weight cotton crochet yarn,
1 ball solid
1/4 ball variegated or contrast color
size G crochet hook
Using 100 % cotton yarn (I chose Peaches N Creme because it's softer than the others that I know)
And a size G crochet hook,
ch 41 (stitches are in sets of 8 plus 5 ch for beg st and turn)
Row 1: dc in fifth ch from hook *skip next 3 chs, 5 dc in next ch, skip next 3 chs, (dc, ch 1, dc) in next ch; repeat from * across
Row 2: ch 3 (counts as first dc) turn; 2 dc in next ch-1 sp. skip next 3 dc, (dc, ch 1, dc) in next dc, * 5 dc in next ch-1 sp, skip next 3 dc, (dc, ch 1, dc) in next dc; repeat from * across to last sp, 3 dc in last sp.
Row 3: ch 4, turn; dc in first dc, * 5 dc in next ch-1 sp, skip next 3 dc, (dc, ch-1, dc) in next dc; repeat from * across.
Repeat rows 2 and 3 for pattern, until cloth is same length on all sides. You can check this by folding the cloth on the diagonal to see if all sides meet evenly. (Of course, you can also measure it to check that the sides are all the same but I'm too lazy to look for my ruler and folding my work is SO much easier. ha.)
When cloth is square, fasten off main color and weave in ends.
Round 1 Edging: Attach contrast/variegated color with sc. Sc in each st across, evenly down left side into ends of rows and stitches, across bottom into unused loop of beg ch, and evenly up right side into ends of rows and stitches as you did for left side. sl st to beg sc to join, ch 1.
Round 2 Edging: Sc in same sc as joining, dc in next sc, tr in next sc, dc in next sc, sc in next sc, following the same sc, dc, tr, dc, sc, across (one st per each sc) and around corners
Fasten off, weave in ends.
If you have any questions or comments, please contact me, I'd love to hear from you!
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Caregiving Notes: Being Depressed And Caregiving
Being depressed as I am and trying my best to give my mother everything she needs is extremely difficult.
There are some days we just get by with the bare essentials - I mean that by Mom gets her meals and her meds. She gets help from me if she asks for it and both of us make it through the day somehow but I feel like she's not getting the emotional support she needs and the companionship she deserves.
Mom is an incredible woman who will stand by her family at any cost to her. That cost could be financial, emotional, or in way of providing housing or transportation or anything else someone in our family is needy for. She is a rock in turmoil, keeps her complaints, if she has any, to herself unless it's something she feels is very, very important to her.
What I'm getting at is that I want to be there for Mom. I want to cater to her, give her everything she deserves and ten times more than that. I want her to be happy and comfortable and know that she's loved greatly. I want her to know how grateful I am for everything she's done for me, for adopting me, for raising me and loving me as her own, for never turning her back on me, and for giving me security and a sense of belonging all my life.
When I'm this depressed I feel like I'm not doing any of that. I feel like she needs more than I can give her and that she'd be better off in a convalescent hospital or something. My promise to her, over the years, has always been I wouldn't let that happen. She signed over Medical Power Of Attorney to me to make sure she wouldn't end up in a "rest home". I swore to her I'd take care of her so she could die comfortably and in peace in her own home. So far so good. I just feel like there's a lot lacking for her with me taking care of her. Bottom line, I feel highly inadequate and that only worsens my depression so here I sit, in the pit, unable to climb out and be there for my mother the way I would like to be.
Hopefully tomorrow will be better. As soon as I have the money for it, I'm going to order Dr Amen's book called Change Your Mind Change Your Body
There are some days we just get by with the bare essentials - I mean that by Mom gets her meals and her meds. She gets help from me if she asks for it and both of us make it through the day somehow but I feel like she's not getting the emotional support she needs and the companionship she deserves.
Mom is an incredible woman who will stand by her family at any cost to her. That cost could be financial, emotional, or in way of providing housing or transportation or anything else someone in our family is needy for. She is a rock in turmoil, keeps her complaints, if she has any, to herself unless it's something she feels is very, very important to her.
What I'm getting at is that I want to be there for Mom. I want to cater to her, give her everything she deserves and ten times more than that. I want her to be happy and comfortable and know that she's loved greatly. I want her to know how grateful I am for everything she's done for me, for adopting me, for raising me and loving me as her own, for never turning her back on me, and for giving me security and a sense of belonging all my life.
When I'm this depressed I feel like I'm not doing any of that. I feel like she needs more than I can give her and that she'd be better off in a convalescent hospital or something. My promise to her, over the years, has always been I wouldn't let that happen. She signed over Medical Power Of Attorney to me to make sure she wouldn't end up in a "rest home". I swore to her I'd take care of her so she could die comfortably and in peace in her own home. So far so good. I just feel like there's a lot lacking for her with me taking care of her. Bottom line, I feel highly inadequate and that only worsens my depression so here I sit, in the pit, unable to climb out and be there for my mother the way I would like to be.
Hopefully tomorrow will be better. As soon as I have the money for it, I'm going to order Dr Amen's book called Change Your Mind Change Your Body
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Free Pattern - One Inch Flower Motif or Applique
I think these would be pretty sewn together for a summer scarf or cami. It would take a lot of them though, they're only one inch in size but they're so easy and quick to make it wouldn't be too much trouble at all.
I used Royale crochet thread size 10 in Mexicana and a size 7 steel crochet hook to make these little cuties.
(Free pattern - which is no big deal believe me - is below)
I left long tails on some of the flowers so I can sew them onto a purse or jeans as an applique. I splashed bleach on my new black jeans and think I might use these to cover the bleached areas.
Pattern For
One Inch Flower Motif Or Applique
With size 10 crochet thread and a size 7 steel crochet hook,
(leave a long tail - 6" or more - if you want to use these for applique)
chain 2
Round 1: 10 sc inside second chain from hook; sl st to first sc to join and start first petal group
Round 2: *(ch 3, 4 dc) all inside sc you just made a sl st into; ch 1, sc in next sc, sl st in next
Repeat from * around - five petal groups made
sl st to base of first ch 3 to join
Fasten off, weave in ends, if using as applique leave one of the ends alone so you can sew it onto the piece you want to add it to.
I will post my progress with the summer scarf or cami as I go along and let you know exactly how I put them together. I've got another project going on at the same time and I'll probably end up switching back and forth between the two because I get bored with things really fast. heh, heh.
Have fun and let me know what you're doing with your flowers, I'd love to link to your project that is made with these.
UPDATE:
Link to an idea for the flowers, thank you for sending this to me to post here...
http://www.ravelry.com/projects/supertinks/one-inch-flower-motif-or-applique
The project is on Ravelry so you may have to sign in to see her work.
copyright 2010 antialite ;-)_ cynthia J luciene
Five Point Motif - Free Pattern by Cynthia
(scroll down)
If you put the point together so they're almost touching, a square filler is necessary which I am working on next.
Free pattern is below. If you have any questions please feel free to comment or tell me how you like this too.
Thank you!
(scroll down some more)
Free Pattern For Five Point Motif by Cynthia
With hook size F and Caron's Simply Soft black (or any other color)
Ch 2 loosely
R 1: 10 sc inside second chain from hook. If you push the sc around the ch you are working in every three stitches, it helps make room for all the sc. Join with sl st to first sc (10 sc around)
R 2: ch 3, 2 dc in same st as sl st from last round, ch 3, *skip next sc, 3 dc in next sc, ch 3 , Repeat from * around, join with sl st to top of beg ch 3 of this round (Five dc groups, five ch 3 groups made)
R 3: (do not ch 1) sl st into next dc (middle dc of group here and throughout) *ch 3, sc inside 2nd (middle) ch of ch 3 group, ch 3, skip 1 dc, sc in next dc; Repeat from * around (10 ch 3 groups made, 10 sc around)
sl st into beg sl st of this round to join
R 4: * (3 sc, hdc, dc) all inside next ch 3 loop, ch 2, (dc, hdc, 3 sc) all in next ch 3 loop; Repeat from * around
Join with sl st to first sc of this round
Fasten off, weave in ends.
Motif can be used for just about anything. I'm going to make a top of some sort (I hope) with mine, maybe using a contrast color for the filler squares, maybe not, I haven't decided yet.
If you have any questions or comments please use the comment boxes below, thank you.
copyright 2010 anitalite ;-)_ cynthia J rupp luciene
Please do not distribute this pattern by any means other than the link to this page, thank you!
This pattern is meant for personal use only.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Caregiving Notes: Life Is Hitting Me Like A Ton Of Bricks Today
Today life slapped me in the face - with a ton of bricks. I can only assume that's what it was because it hurt like hell and still hurts too much for me not to write about it. I wonder if anyone taking care of their parent is feeling this too...
Mom has been very lucid (that's a good thing) and sharp like a tack all these years. She just had her 84th birthday this last March (2010) God bless her heart. So far none of the illnesses and conditions that plague her body have taken over to make her miserable or caused a change in her personality or thought process. The main trouble she has is trying to stay awake during the day. A lot of the medications she takes make her drowsy but are very necessary to maintain a good quality of life for her.
Today I am in a lot of pain from that slap in the face when it dawned on me my mother is not going to be around forever. She is starting to show signs of dementia, or possibly a minor stroke. Definitely a lack of oxygen to her brain which is normal for her at the age of 84 but made me realize that my mother, the one person in my life I've always counted on, will not be here forever. One day there will be no oxygen going to her brain at all. One day I will not have her to run to every time I have a problem or a joy, or when I want some advice, or even just want to say "HI - what are you watching on t.v.? Turn it to channel (blah blah) right now there's something on I want you to see."
(Here comes the slap.. )
Mom has been scowling at me for the past three days and I couldn't for the life of me figure out why. It bothered the hell out of me and my boyfriend too. He was getting the same angry look whenever he said so much as "Hi, how ya doin?" Both of us were very puzzled by Mom's agitation and she wasn't telling us what was wrong. She does that, the passive aggressive silent treatment.
Today I sat square in front of her so there would be no distractions and asked her point blank what was wrong, what was making her so angry.
She said, (mind you, we only have three dogs and two cats... that's it) it's all those miniature dogs running around. We are only supposed to have THREE DOGS (this is where she held up three fingers and gave me that horrid scowl I've been getting for the past three days).
Whoa. I sat back a bit and thought "oh boy, here we go. She's loosing it." I was correct in my thinking. When I asked a few questions I found out she is a lot more confused (suddenly) than she ever was and it's time to make a trip to our doctor for an exam. If, that is, I can get her to go. She refuses to go to the hospital. She's afraid they'll never let her come home. I don't blame her though. I understand that thinking completely. It's the reason I don't check myself into our local psych unit for a week or two. They'll probably not let me come home either. Really.
Back to Mom's delusions that there are miniature dogs running about the house - and that someone is using the shower in her bathroom (no one has used it for years, I checked to be sure and sure enough - it's bone dry. Oh but we do have another bathroom with a shower it in, don't think this household doesn't take showers. ha.)
She was convinced my daughter brought a bunch of little tiny dogs into our home and that we were going to be in trouble with animal regulation for having so many dogs - the limit without a kennel license is three! she said, holding up those fingers again as if I couldn't figure out "Three" without a visual aid.
I sat with her, tried my best to convince her there are no little animals running about - just the three dogs and two cats right here, pointing to all the animals in the family room with us. She is still not convinced. I was going to do a reality orientation with her, ask her what day it was and who the president is, and all that but if she answered wrong or couldn't think of an answer at all I was sure it would upset her even more so I let it go. She's obviously not in reality today and there's no point in getting her worried or wondering what is happening to her that she can't answer such silly simple questions. I know Mom and she would definitely be upset at herself and scared. I decided not to go there with her.
All of this was a bigger slap in the face than I ever wanted or ever want to have. I don't want it at all to be truthful. I don't want to be without my mother in my life. She was my stability and so was this house we all live in. We've had this house for fifty years. When Mom goes, everything goes. I'll loose all my stability - I've always been unable to create any of my own. I've always relied on Mom to be there for me and my family
Whenever I had to go through a tragedy of any kind, Mom and the house were always here, right where they've always been. Now that I am doing my best to take care of Mom and my kids are grown, when she is gone I'll have no one to take care of. Then what do I do? Yikes. The concept of having no one who really needs me is very scary.
What will my purpose in life be? Who will I become? What the heck am I going to do?
I suppose questions will be answered in time. It's just a very scary thing to not know what the future holds.
Update: Found this in an old email while cleaning out my inbox - an answer to my dilemma, of sorts:
Explore, honor and get to intimately know all the details of your desires. But don't become overly attached to them.
Allow your desires to drive you forward. However, don't allow them to define you.
You have chosen those desires and you have what it takes to reach them. Yet after you achieve them, or even if you fail to achieve them, you are still you.
Even without those desires, you are still a unique and valuable person. Whatever you desire, as important as it can be, is only one expression of who you are.
If, for some reason or other, that expression is lost or is blocked, there remain many, many more ways to express your purpose. Remember that always, you are able to move positively forward in your own way.
Follow your dreams, fulfill your desires with all your passion and energy, while at the same time being willing to let them go. And you will know true fulfillment.
-- Ralph Marston
Feel the abundance
Read more: http://greatday. com/#ixzz0itSqDG d5
Mom has been very lucid (that's a good thing) and sharp like a tack all these years. She just had her 84th birthday this last March (2010) God bless her heart. So far none of the illnesses and conditions that plague her body have taken over to make her miserable or caused a change in her personality or thought process. The main trouble she has is trying to stay awake during the day. A lot of the medications she takes make her drowsy but are very necessary to maintain a good quality of life for her.
Today I am in a lot of pain from that slap in the face when it dawned on me my mother is not going to be around forever. She is starting to show signs of dementia, or possibly a minor stroke. Definitely a lack of oxygen to her brain which is normal for her at the age of 84 but made me realize that my mother, the one person in my life I've always counted on, will not be here forever. One day there will be no oxygen going to her brain at all. One day I will not have her to run to every time I have a problem or a joy, or when I want some advice, or even just want to say "HI - what are you watching on t.v.? Turn it to channel (blah blah) right now there's something on I want you to see."
(Here comes the slap.. )
Mom has been scowling at me for the past three days and I couldn't for the life of me figure out why. It bothered the hell out of me and my boyfriend too. He was getting the same angry look whenever he said so much as "Hi, how ya doin?" Both of us were very puzzled by Mom's agitation and she wasn't telling us what was wrong. She does that, the passive aggressive silent treatment.
Today I sat square in front of her so there would be no distractions and asked her point blank what was wrong, what was making her so angry.
She said, (mind you, we only have three dogs and two cats... that's it) it's all those miniature dogs running around. We are only supposed to have THREE DOGS (this is where she held up three fingers and gave me that horrid scowl I've been getting for the past three days).
Whoa. I sat back a bit and thought "oh boy, here we go. She's loosing it." I was correct in my thinking. When I asked a few questions I found out she is a lot more confused (suddenly) than she ever was and it's time to make a trip to our doctor for an exam. If, that is, I can get her to go. She refuses to go to the hospital. She's afraid they'll never let her come home. I don't blame her though. I understand that thinking completely. It's the reason I don't check myself into our local psych unit for a week or two. They'll probably not let me come home either. Really.
Back to Mom's delusions that there are miniature dogs running about the house - and that someone is using the shower in her bathroom (no one has used it for years, I checked to be sure and sure enough - it's bone dry. Oh but we do have another bathroom with a shower it in, don't think this household doesn't take showers. ha.)
She was convinced my daughter brought a bunch of little tiny dogs into our home and that we were going to be in trouble with animal regulation for having so many dogs - the limit without a kennel license is three! she said, holding up those fingers again as if I couldn't figure out "Three" without a visual aid.
I sat with her, tried my best to convince her there are no little animals running about - just the three dogs and two cats right here, pointing to all the animals in the family room with us. She is still not convinced. I was going to do a reality orientation with her, ask her what day it was and who the president is, and all that but if she answered wrong or couldn't think of an answer at all I was sure it would upset her even more so I let it go. She's obviously not in reality today and there's no point in getting her worried or wondering what is happening to her that she can't answer such silly simple questions. I know Mom and she would definitely be upset at herself and scared. I decided not to go there with her.
All of this was a bigger slap in the face than I ever wanted or ever want to have. I don't want it at all to be truthful. I don't want to be without my mother in my life. She was my stability and so was this house we all live in. We've had this house for fifty years. When Mom goes, everything goes. I'll loose all my stability - I've always been unable to create any of my own. I've always relied on Mom to be there for me and my family
Whenever I had to go through a tragedy of any kind, Mom and the house were always here, right where they've always been. Now that I am doing my best to take care of Mom and my kids are grown, when she is gone I'll have no one to take care of. Then what do I do? Yikes. The concept of having no one who really needs me is very scary.
What will my purpose in life be? Who will I become? What the heck am I going to do?
I suppose questions will be answered in time. It's just a very scary thing to not know what the future holds.
Update: Found this in an old email while cleaning out my inbox - an answer to my dilemma, of sorts:
Monday, March 22, 2010
Attachment to desires
Explore, honor and get to intimately know all the details of your desires. But don't become overly attached to them.
Allow your desires to drive you forward. However, don't allow them to define you.
You have chosen those desires and you have what it takes to reach them. Yet after you achieve them, or even if you fail to achieve them, you are still you.
Even without those desires, you are still a unique and valuable person. Whatever you desire, as important as it can be, is only one expression of who you are.
If, for some reason or other, that expression is lost or is blocked, there remain many, many more ways to express your purpose. Remember that always, you are able to move positively forward in your own way.
Follow your dreams, fulfill your desires with all your passion and energy, while at the same time being willing to let them go. And you will know true fulfillment.
-- Ralph Marston
Feel the abundance
Read more: http://greatday. com/#ixzz0itSqDG d5
Fun Zebra Cloths and Star Cloths
I had a good time making these for my etsy store. If anyone wants a free pattern for any of these, please contact me here and I'll do my best to write them out for you or post them here.
Face or Dishcloths For Donations To U.S. Military FIghting In Desert
This is a set of four cloths - two for men, two for ladies. You can view photos of them in detail at the following links:
Ladies Camouflage Cloth Set
Manly Granny Cloth for Men
Camouflage Cloth For Desert War
Please message me with your requests or leave a comment with your contact information below if you would like me to make these for you to donate to our service men and women who are fighting in the desert.
I do not charge a high fee for design and labor, each cloth would cost only $4.50 ea. or two for 8.00 or a set of four for 15.00
All are made of 100% cotton.
All of the cloths I make are original, one of a kind, and handmade by yours truly.
The cloths would be great in a care package with toiletries and even some home made cookies.
The cost of these cloths is minimal compared to the pleasure our military personnel would experience when they get a package with these special cloths and American bathroom supplies, or anything else from here in the U.S.
I think it would help them be less homesick, and let them know we haven't forgotten about them, don't you think?
Please contact me here for questions or orders for hand made desert cloths for donations.
These cloths are meant to be for donation to service men and women only. I usually charge a lot more to make cloths for face or dish (see my etsy store here). They are all my original designs and are copyrighted as is all the information on this page. Thank you for not using the cloths for anything other than donations to our military.
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