Mom has a way of making me smile when she's doing her darndest to be snide. She can say things to make you hurt or make you laugh, it just depends on the sharpness of the stick she pokes you with, her way with words.
Genetics doesn't play into my way with words, I definitely learned the business of snide from my Mom. I was adopted and have no true blood relation to her so my matery of saying hurtful things without batting an eye is all learned... From Mom.
Mom can also be truly sweet and usually is these days. My self esteem has been through hell and back and barely survives day to day, if at all. Mom knows this which can be to my advantage and disadvantage. Allowed to be the ruler of my well-being and the state of existence of my self esteem, Mom can make me or break me. Build me up or tear me down. I am always seeking her approval - which I'll probably never get. There's this, though:
Since she has become so dependant upon me for almsot everything, she has sweetened up quite a bit. I guess I would too in her position. I've taken care of some highly dependent yet very mean elderly so I know the pendulum can swing either way.
Recently I've been noticing a leaning towards Mom requesting a lot of attention, kind of like a small child would. She thinks up reasons to get me to do something for her. If she says something like, "I was going to get my other walker (the one with the seat where she keeps her knitting bag) but it's all the way in the bedroom and the cat is waiting at the door for me" I know that's a huge hint for me to fetch the walker for her because she doesn't want to make the effort to get it herself. I get the walker for her, of course, and think to myself, "She's just checking to see if I'll get it or make her do it and then she'd have a good reason to be mad at me for being so cruel to her and have something to talk to her hair dresser about!" Better left unsaid. So I get it and say "Here ya go, Mom" and she says nothing, as if I should have gotten it without her having to say anything about it. Under my breath I say "you're welcome' and she coughs - that "I heard that!" cough which makes me wonder just how hard of hearing she really is.
If she says something like "I might as well go to bed, there's nothing on t.v." I try to ignore it or tell her "why don't you see what's on another channel?" but not "we only have 228 + channels on the cable to choose from, surely you'll find something if you just click that button on that big-ass remote sitting right in front of you". .. Better left unsaid. Of course, there would be an excuse for not following my advice to channel surf, like this one I've heard too many times: "That thing is too big, I don't know how to use it".
Okay Mom. I love you. You took care of me all my life and now I have the opportunity to show you how much I love you (since no one in this family ever actually says the "L" word). Thing is, sometimes I think you take advantage of my willingness to be your caregiver and you have me doing trivial silly things that either a. don't matter much to anyone, b. definitely won't make you feel better, c. can wait unitl I'm done taking my shower or done getting dressed, or d. are made up in your head to get me to hussle about the house for you (I am thinking "d" is usually the answer but when I stop and think about it, I make myself remember her condition.
Mom can't do for herself like she used to and sometimes I forget this. I remember that small things really DO matter to Mom, it's all she has in life anymore, besides her family. Something like her fingernails being too long for her to dig in her ear comfortably is going to be a lot more irritating when the only thing she really has to do all day is sit around and think about her fingernails being too long.
On the otherhand, she won't complain, really. I know this sounds contradictory to what I just said but she won't tell me her feet hurt when she walks and even when she's sitting until she's been in pain for two weeks. I tell her, "Mom, why didn't you tell me when they first started bothering you so we could do something about it??" She says nothing, which is very frustrating. The last thing I want is for this woman to be in pain like that.
It drives me nuts but I love my job and wouldn't have anyone else taking my place. I admit it's not all bad, it's not all good, and sometimes I truly hate my job - it's difficult that our roles are blending and now I'm merging into a mother role and she a childlike role in this household. I hate it when I think about this being a temporary job, it's not going to last forever, my patient is not going to be here forever and that's partly why I'm here. I hate knowing someday I won't have my mother to take care of. (Better left unsaid)
To Self, better said than not:
Try to stay in the moment, enjoy the little things, smile a lot, and go to the garage and have a smoke when it all gets to be a bit too much. Never let her see you cry, keep your temper in check, and count your blessings - Mom is still here with you, that in itself is a huge blessing you need to stay grateful for.
2 comments:
Hi, Thank you for having the courage to be open and express your feelings as a caregiver to your mom - no matter how cranky both of you may get.
I am glad you found a place in the garage you can call sanctuary, a safe place you can go to regain your balance.
As a caregiver to my husband, who is always emotionally hurting me since he became disabled from a stroke 10 years ago, I have become numb from the battering and the burden caring for someone I am suppose to love and feel compassion for. Thank goodness for my sanctuary or I would have lost it years ago.
Keep up the good work telling it like it is – the good and the bad.
Xahnia
Thank you.
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