Being depressed as I am and trying my best to give my mother everything she needs is extremely difficult.
There are some days we just get by with the bare essentials - I mean that by Mom gets her meals and her meds. She gets help from me if she asks for it and both of us make it through the day somehow but I feel like she's not getting the emotional support she needs and the companionship she deserves.
Mom is an incredible woman who will stand by her family at any cost to her. That cost could be financial, emotional, or in way of providing housing or transportation or anything else someone in our family is needy for. She is a rock in turmoil, keeps her complaints, if she has any, to herself unless it's something she feels is very, very important to her.
What I'm getting at is that I want to be there for Mom. I want to cater to her, give her everything she deserves and ten times more than that. I want her to be happy and comfortable and know that she's loved greatly. I want her to know how grateful I am for everything she's done for me, for adopting me, for raising me and loving me as her own, for never turning her back on me, and for giving me security and a sense of belonging all my life.
When I'm this depressed I feel like I'm not doing any of that. I feel like she needs more than I can give her and that she'd be better off in a convalescent hospital or something. My promise to her, over the years, has always been I wouldn't let that happen. She signed over Medical Power Of Attorney to me to make sure she wouldn't end up in a "rest home". I swore to her I'd take care of her so she could die comfortably and in peace in her own home. So far so good. I just feel like there's a lot lacking for her with me taking care of her. Bottom line, I feel highly inadequate and that only worsens my depression so here I sit, in the pit, unable to climb out and be there for my mother the way I would like to be.
Hopefully tomorrow will be better. As soon as I have the money for it, I'm going to order Dr Amen's book called Change Your Mind Change Your Body
4 comments:
I have been taking care of my father for over five years. It's hard when siblings don't want to help. Do yours help you? I get frustrated, tired, bored, and like you, depressed. There are groups at our hospital in town for support and I've been to a few but can't unless someone stays here with Dad so I can go and that doesn't happen very often.
I empathize with you, it's not easy - I thought it would be and found out the toll it takes on me is much greater than anticipated.
Good luck to you.
Good luck to you too. I know my mother appreciates me and knows I am doing my very best for her. What really counts is that she is being well taken care of and is as happy and comfortable as she can possibly be. I think what matters even more than that is she knows she is loved and we are here for her. That makes it all worth while.
I stumbled upon your blog somehow by following a trail of crochet patterns. Have no idea how I got here, actually, but I'm glad I did. I don't know you or your whole situation, and I won't pretend to be an expert on the whole subject of caring for elderly or sick parents. But, I couldn't help but respond to this entry on your blog. Let me tell one thing, and you can take it as only my two cents worth, but-- just you being there for your mom every day, trying your best every day, is the best she can ever find or have and all she needs. Knowing that she can now depend on you like you have on her, that makes a mama proud and content. You don't have to have the fanciest or most expensive whatevers, no special degree or diploma required. Just you, doing for her out of love, that's all I'm sure she wants and needs. Be happy you can be there for her, happy you can be there for each other. No lie that it's tough, it's hard, sometimes it feels like too much to handle, but it's a blessing you'll never regret having. If some days the basics is all that happens, as long as it's done in love, nothing could be better. So chin up, shoulders back, and remember God will never put upon your shoulders more than you can carry. God bless you and your mom.....
Thank you for that last comment, anonymous. I really needed to hear all of that, I am so grateful that you took the time to tell me these things. God bless you and yours.
cyndi
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