Mom has been very lucid (that's a good thing) and sharp like a tack all these years. She just had her 84th birthday this last March (2010) God bless her heart. So far none of the illnesses and conditions that plague her body have taken over to make her miserable or caused a change in her personality or thought process. The main trouble she has is trying to stay awake during the day. A lot of the medications she takes make her drowsy but are very necessary to maintain a good quality of life for her.
Today I am in a lot of pain from that slap in the face when it dawned on me my mother is not going to be around forever. She is starting to show signs of dementia, or possibly a minor stroke. Definitely a lack of oxygen to her brain which is normal for her at the age of 84 but made me realize that my mother, the one person in my life I've always counted on, will not be here forever. One day there will be no oxygen going to her brain at all. One day I will not have her to run to every time I have a problem or a joy, or when I want some advice, or even just want to say "HI - what are you watching on t.v.? Turn it to channel (blah blah) right now there's something on I want you to see."
(Here comes the slap.. )
Mom has been scowling at me for the past three days and I couldn't for the life of me figure out why. It bothered the hell out of me and my boyfriend too. He was getting the same angry look whenever he said so much as "Hi, how ya doin?" Both of us were very puzzled by Mom's agitation and she wasn't telling us what was wrong. She does that, the passive aggressive silent treatment.
Today I sat square in front of her so there would be no distractions and asked her point blank what was wrong, what was making her so angry.
She said, (mind you, we only have three dogs and two cats... that's it) it's all those miniature dogs running around. We are only supposed to have THREE DOGS (this is where she held up three fingers and gave me that horrid scowl I've been getting for the past three days).
Whoa. I sat back a bit and thought "oh boy, here we go. She's loosing it." I was correct in my thinking. When I asked a few questions I found out she is a lot more confused (suddenly) than she ever was and it's time to make a trip to our doctor for an exam. If, that is, I can get her to go. She refuses to go to the hospital. She's afraid they'll never let her come home. I don't blame her though. I understand that thinking completely. It's the reason I don't check myself into our local psych unit for a week or two. They'll probably not let me come home either. Really.
Back to Mom's delusions that there are miniature dogs running about the house - and that someone is using the shower in her bathroom (no one has used it for years, I checked to be sure and sure enough - it's bone dry. Oh but we do have another bathroom with a shower it in, don't think this household doesn't take showers. ha.)
She was convinced my daughter brought a bunch of little tiny dogs into our home and that we were going to be in trouble with animal regulation for having so many dogs - the limit without a kennel license is three! she said, holding up those fingers again as if I couldn't figure out "Three" without a visual aid.
I sat with her, tried my best to convince her there are no little animals running about - just the three dogs and two cats right here, pointing to all the animals in the family room with us. She is still not convinced. I was going to do a reality orientation with her, ask her what day it was and who the president is, and all that but if she answered wrong or couldn't think of an answer at all I was sure it would upset her even more so I let it go. She's obviously not in reality today and there's no point in getting her worried or wondering what is happening to her that she can't answer such silly simple questions. I know Mom and she would definitely be upset at herself and scared. I decided not to go there with her.
All of this was a bigger slap in the face than I ever wanted or ever want to have. I don't want it at all to be truthful. I don't want to be without my mother in my life. She was my stability and so was this house we all live in. We've had this house for fifty years. When Mom goes, everything goes. I'll loose all my stability - I've always been unable to create any of my own. I've always relied on Mom to be there for me and my family
Whenever I had to go through a tragedy of any kind, Mom and the house were always here, right where they've always been. Now that I am doing my best to take care of Mom and my kids are grown, when she is gone I'll have no one to take care of. Then what do I do? Yikes. The concept of having no one who really needs me is very scary.
What will my purpose in life be? Who will I become? What the heck am I going to do?
I suppose questions will be answered in time. It's just a very scary thing to not know what the future holds.
Update: Found this in an old email while cleaning out my inbox - an answer to my dilemma, of sorts:
Monday, March 22, 2010
Attachment to desires
Explore, honor and get to intimately know all the details of your desires. But don't become overly attached to them.
Allow your desires to drive you forward. However, don't allow them to define you.
You have chosen those desires and you have what it takes to reach them. Yet after you achieve them, or even if you fail to achieve them, you are still you.
Even without those desires, you are still a unique and valuable person. Whatever you desire, as important as it can be, is only one expression of who you are.
If, for some reason or other, that expression is lost or is blocked, there remain many, many more ways to express your purpose. Remember that always, you are able to move positively forward in your own way.
Follow your dreams, fulfill your desires with all your passion and energy, while at the same time being willing to let them go. And you will know true fulfillment.
-- Ralph Marston
Feel the abundance
Read more: http://greatday. com/#ixzz0itSqDG d5
4 comments:
Sorry - I don't know how I got those Amazon ads at the top of the dang post instead of the bottom . I'm trying to figure out how to get them off the post and have a re-do with Amazon. This is a big oops. Sorry.
Touching story and well-written. I worry about my parents as they age. so far their ailments have all been physical and they remain sharp mentally. Which is much easier than dealing with someone who is showing signs of dementia. Good luck and keep the faith, things have a way of working themselves out.
Thank you for your kind words, Joe.
@ Joe. I'm discovering it would be easier to deal with Mom's aging and "deteriorating" if her mental capacity wasn't so sharp. If she weren't so lucid I think I would be able to accept things in a softer, gentler way. I dunno.
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