By not taking care of myself I am not able to provide my mother with meaningful or even merely entertaining conversation. I feel as though she is bored and wanting for attention which I am incapable of giving her. The best I can do is sit with her to make sure she's "okay". I fix the easiest meal I possibly can which could consist of nothing more than opening a can of baked beans (which she really loves) or making a turkey sandwich. A simple sweet potato with butter on it is luckily one of her favorite dinners and falls into the "cancer food" category. It is also great for roughage which she needs regularly due to her diverticulosis. For breakfast Mom loves her "Heart to Heart" cereal and plain yogurt with fresh fruit diced into it - it's also where I stir in her crushed medications. I don't think I've cooked a "real meal" in months.
The guilt I feel for not being more to my mother than I am is overwhelming me. There are so many things I can make myself feel guilty about, valid or not, I will find a way to blame everything on me - especially when my psychiatric symptoms are this bad. What I need is a couple of weeks in the hospital to get stable but I can't leave my mother to do that. Right now even out patient is not possible because there's no one trained to take care of her while I'm gone for six hours a day.
I made a step forward today and called Mom's medical insurance provider and talked to an In Home Care Representative. She has gone ahead and written an order for Mom to get a home health aid to come in twice a week, four hours at a time. There's some progress. By having someone come in, even just to sit with Mom, it will reassure me that she will be getting some companionship and have a watchful eye over her so I can get out for a bit without worry. Maybe I'll be able to get back into therapy with my Psychologist for a while. Lord knows I need it.
signing off for now because those voices are messing with my head again.
Links that lead to books about Schizoaffective Disorder:
When Someone You Love Has a Mental Illness
Surviving Schizophrenia: A Manual for Families, Patients, and Providers
Schizoaffective Disorder (The Infinite Mind, Vol. 315)
Understanding Schizoaffective Disorder
Schizoaffective: A Happier and Healthier Life
Schizoaffective Disorders: New Research
Living with Schizoaffective Disorder
